Why did I wake up again?

For the Girl, waking up is dreadful. Literally. The first thought, sensation, even before her eyes open, is the heaviness of knowing another day has started. Dread sits heavily on her chest, not saying much, just taking up space, and weighing down her ribcage, roots finding their way around her lungs, her mind, her stomach. Following close on the heels of Dread, Fear adds to the weight. She whispers “What will this day hold? How will you fail today? Who will see that you are broken?”

And Despair slithers into the room, curling up around Girl’s heart, her voice resonating through blood vessels and spinal column. “You woke up again. It will never end. You will wake up with us, your closest companions, for the rest of your days. We are all you have. And what would you be without us?”

Anxiety seeps in through her pores, pervasive, invasive, all-encompassing. She doesn’t speak, she merely wraps herself around every nerve, a nearly integral part of the central nervous system. And wordlessly, she triggers neurons to fire, the mind to reel, and plays games with the most basic part of her brain, triggering adrenaline, changing Girl’s breathing to suit the rhythm of her dance, making the heart beat a tattoo that suits her. Anxiety’s preferred form of entertainment, though, is probing the weaknesses, and manipulating thoughts. speeding them up, setting them to loop endlessly, and seeing if she can’t take a panic attack turn into a full-blown manic episode.

Mania wakes up, and laughs at the scene, the fact that his host is helpless and at the whim of his parasitic friends. He scoffs at the drugs that try to suppress his control, and probes the pleasure centre, and jabs at the parts of her brain that make decisions, regulate emotions, control purposeful actions, affect her memory. If he’s lucky, he might start this day able to run rampant and wreak havoc. Unless, of course, his brother wakes up and seizes control by washing over the same areas, blanketing them with the thick haze that is Depression. The rivalry is strong, but the heavy blanket of Depression most often smothers the flames of Mania. Opening her eyes, Girl looks around, subconsciously acknowledges her constant companions and musters the strength to get out of bed and let the dog out.

* Bipolar disorder affects the limbic system, frontal and temporal lobes, hippocampus, prefontal cortex, cerebral cortex.

( http://www.brainexplorer.org/bipolar_disorder/Bipolar_Disorder_Aetiology.shtml)

Anxiety disorders generally affect the forebrain, limbic system, hippocampus, amygdala, and the hypothalamus.



~ by Trillian on 01/27/2011.

6 Responses to “Why did I wake up again?”

  1. Words may have power, and I hope you find the ones that help you manage your mind. It is hard to get a grip on a problem when it lacks a physical/tangible thing to solve. And if there is something I can do to help let me know.

    • I absolutely agree that words have power. That’s part of the reason I try to get them out when they come to me. I appreciate your understanding of the nature of this problem, and I thank you for your kind offer. I have found that just knowing that people try to understand tremendously valuable.

  2. I don’t know how alone you are in the tangible sense, but I am a real live person and I hope that you can find peace while you fight an illness that is no fault of yours.


    • I typoed on the url. Here.


    • Thank you, Jim, for your kind words, it is an odd sense to have people around and feel isolated, but I do have people who care. I appreciate your compassion.

      • You might find that the opposite is true: People who aren’t near, but who are close just the same.


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